Who I Used to Be
by thequeenwillruletheboard
Summary: Kikyou touched the wooden marker on her grave, some seventy-five years after her death. She watched as villagers bowed their heads before it in respect, wishing her peace in the afterlife. They meant well, but for the last seventy-five years, she had not been able to tell them that her soul would not and could not rest.


**AN:** Written for InuSecretSanta 2016 as a gift to sinuyasha dot tumblr dot com with the prompt "tragic Kikyou."

* * *

Kikyou touched the wooden marker on her grave, some seventy-five years after her death. She watched as villagers bowed their heads before it in respect, wishing her peace in the afterlife.

The ever-present hollow feeling in her chest remained there, and she did not respond to the villagers. They meant well, but for the last seventy-five years, she had not been able to tell them that her soul would not and could not rest. She looked out from atop the hill across the forest to the Goshinboku, where she and the man she loved had perished.

In the precise moment the thought occurred to her, her surroundings changed. Smoke wafted from the village as it burned, and she watched for the millionth time as she cornered Inuyasha with her bow, as he screamed of injustice and betrayal, as he was pinned, and as she and the Jewel fell to the ground together. _Burn it with my body,_ she said to Kaede.

 _How naive._

That decision led her to this limbo, to seventy-five years floating through darkness, glimpsing the world as if through barred windows; the Jewel decided when and where and why she got to see the real world, as she suffered through every excruciating second of her afterlife, stuck.

In the beginning, all Kikyou could do was scream and cry, exhibiting the volume she'd never been capable in life – she was dead, she was alone, she was _frightened_ – and no one else lurked in the dark to witness her shameful lapse in strength. What she hadn't realized was that it was impossible to be alone; within the Shikon Jewel, there was no solitude.

A voice spoke softly behind her, "Do you know where you are?"

She looked around for the voice, but all that came into view around her were the spirits of demons, circling her but seemingly unable to approach. The pieces clicked into place and she spoke slowly, still searching for the source of the voice. "I'm inside the Sacred Jewel…"

"Yes, you are."

"Why?" she asked, now eyeing the demons separately as if she'd be able to see a mouth begin to move.

"You know the story of my origin, of Midoriko and Magatsuhi, correct?"

"Of course I do. I was in charge of the Jewel's protection; I know all the stories about it. There's an ongoing battle between Midoriko and the demons inside it for all of eternity. But… Does that mean I should be fighting, too? Another holy woman against the demons?" Once again, she eyed the demons, waiting for them to pounce. A hand reached to her back to find she'd been left without a bow or quiver.

"Not quite…" A piercing laugh came from everywhere, even under her feet and within her chest. "I have other plans for you. I will let you out of this prison when it's time. I'll have my new battle, consume my new victims… Just wait and see."

Kikyou frowned. "Why me?"

"You were burned alongside me, and I consumed your soul. I wasn't going to let you out, but then you made a wish. You wanted to see him again, wanted him to love you."

Her stomach clenched and bile rose into her throat. _I just want to see Inuyasha; I just want him to love me again; I want it all back –_ those things she had screamed when she thought she was alone in the dark.

"You made the wish, and I have to deliver. But for now, we have to wait."

And wait she did, watching the darkness, or occasionally watching the world pass by. Once, maybe a hundred years later, she wondered aloud how the Jewel managed to exist without a physical form.

"I am inside your spirit, just as you are inside of mine. I travel with your spirit along the earthly plain. We are trapped together, and we will continue to be."

"Until it's time to let me out?"

"Yes," it said. Kikyou had a feeling in her gut it was lying to her, or twisting the truth the way it twisted wishes into its favor.

Every once in awhile, she'd ask if it was time.

"Closer," it told her.

"Every second is closer," she said. "Your words are empty."

"Always."

When she could not see the world passing beneath her feet, when the Jewel felt it appropriate to consume her from the inside out and swallow her back into the darkness, she curled up in her corner of it. It felt oddly safe, in her little pocket where the demons would not come. She could hear the battle from far off, Midoriko and Magatsuhi clashing against each other, but like clockwork they'd fall silent. It was the only way she could be certain that time was actually passing; the clamor of iron, and then nothing. Once, she heard – or thought she did – a woman whisper "I love you," and the voice that had her wrapped in invisible chains whispered back "I love you too."

The image of Inuyasha popped into her head and her chest ached. And once again, just as it always did, the vision of the smoke from the burning village as she bled to death rose around her and tears leapt to her eyes, and this time she did nothing to hold them back.

She thought she fell asleep, though it was impossible, but the next second she awoke standing on the brink of darkness, as though the Jewel was showing her a door to walk through. "It's time," it said.

She could not believe it, she thought he was lying, that it would never happen. "How long has it been?" she asked.

"Five and a half centuries," it said.

"We've been together that long?" She immediately regretted the wording of the phrase – _been together –_ as though they were a partnership, as though she had a choice.

"Yes."

"It's really time?"

"Yes."

Hesitantly, she stepped through the portal to the outside, and in a whirl, her soul was pulled into a new darkness. _It lied, of course it did,_ she thought bitterly, before she realized that this darkness was warm and comfortable. She heard a voice coming through it, garbled as though she were underwater – then it hit her, that she must now be entombed in a womb. _Is this reincarnation?_

As the fetus developed, Kikyou crafted a small corner in the back of the child's mind, a place where the sentience of life before could remain dormant and present. Something told her it was necessary, holding onto herself. She could still hear the Jewel, meaning it had taken hold of this infant as well. If she were to stand a chance against it, she needed to exist as Kikyou, rather than this new nameless child.

 _Kagome._

She remained dormant, hiding herself from the Jewel that would be too selfish to notice, too confident than to think it hadn't won yet. Over fifteen years – such a short time, relatively – she felt the child's emotions and experiences consume her, almost strong enough to rewrite the history Kikyou held onto.

Kikyou didn't notice when the child fell down the well, when she met the love of her life, or when the Jewel was ripped from beneath her skin.

She became conscious again when magic tried to pull her soul from Kagome's body, and she dug her nails in, unwilling to leave her safe new body. _No,_ she thought. _I'm not going back._ The Jewel – no, a mere fragment of it – tried to put a barrier in between Kagome and the magic, resisting whoever it was as they attempted to botch it's plans for the future. That sparked an anger in her she hadn't felt in years, or centuries. Everything was the Jewel's fault: her and Inuyasha's relationship, his betrayal, her imprisonment. _How dare it try and interfere now?_

With the strength of this newfound anger, she found her soul swelling much too big for its current container. A part of her consciousness – the part that was all hers and not Kagome's – settled into a new body that was stiff like clay. She looked around, saw the witch that was enchanting the child, saw the rest of her spirit swollen and angry, and finally, she saw Inuyasha. _How? I endured five hundred and sixty-five years, only to end up back here?_ Her soul pulled at her, ached for her to return to it so it could settle back into the body to which it belonged, but as she looked at him she felt it pulling in a new direction: toward her clay form. If he spoke to her… She would be helpless to stop it. The words of the jewel, centuries ago came back to her: "You were burned alongside me, and I consumed your soul. I wasn't going to let you out, but then you made a wish. You wanted to see him again, wanted him to love you." _No…_ "You made the wish, and I have to deliver. But for now, we have to wait." _It made me wait all this time, just so it could bring me back to fulfill my wish…_

Looking at Inuyasha, she could see the surprise and longing molding his face. _Don't call my name,_ she thought as loud as she could. She wanted nothing more in this world than to hear him say it, but it would provoke the situation into further chaos.

His eyes widened, and for a split second, she thought maybe he heard her. But of course, he whispered: "Kikyou."

All at once, the link to Kagome's body snapped and she felt her soul come rushing back to her, all hers once again, free from the shackles that tethered her to the Jewel; those had been left behind in Kagome's body. She was free to love, and free to hate, and as she looked Inuyasha she knew that this next moment would be full of both.

She didn't have breath or a heartbeat, but she felt again what it was like to be in the forefront of her own mind, fully conscious and alert, like she'd come out of a five century drunken stupor.

She turned her attention to the witch who made her, now giving her instructions. _Not again,_ she thought. She fell to her knees, gripping the witch by her shoulders, and used her first bit of energy to purify her. As the tingling sensation sizzled through her fingertips, she nearly grinned. All that time, trapped without power, but it was all here, restored in her new body.

She turned to Inuyasha, finally able to ask the questions she'd been mulling over. "Inuyasha… How are you alive? I know I sealed you up…"

At once, he was back on his guard, the cocky smirk that she used to love slipping across his face, just like it did in the first days they met. "Sorry about that! It took me about fifty years to get out, but I'm fine, as you can see."

 _Fifty years?_ Hot, angry tears welled up in her eyes. _He got to spend fifty years sleeping while I spent five centuries in hell?_ "You're hateful." Shaking, she rose to her feet. "I hate you!"

In response, her right shoulder blew open and blood ran down her sleeve: her fatal wound had reopened on her body and began to sap her strength once again.

"What's the matter, Kikyou?"

The fear of death, of doing this process all over again consumed her, and she shouted in desperation, without thinking: "Why did you turn against me, Inuyasha?"

He looked shocked instead of the remorse she expected, and she grit her teeth as he asked, "What is that? That blood…"

She held on against the pain as best she could while an older priestess spoke familiarly to Inuyasha, reminding him of the pain he caused her. Upon hearing his response, denying all guilt, the anger inside her threatened to burst through her chest cavity. "I never thought… I never expected to hear such _excuses…_ Stop it, Inuyasha. It's unbecoming. Stop it… Stop it!" She couldn't help the scream; the pressure that had caused her to scream in the first moments of her afterlife was back inside her, and it was going to come out whether she liked it or not. "Inuyasha… Don't you remember saying it? That you'd become human?" Ignoring the older woman's protestation, she continued: "I believed you, and took the Sacred Jewel to you that day." No longer inside of the Jewel, the image in her head was much more transparent than any other vision of the past as she recounted the events prior to finding him in the forest as the village burned.

"Are you saying I betrayed you?" he shouted, snarling in outrage.

"That's right," she spat. "That's why I gathered the last of my strength, and bound you to the tree with my arrow."

She stumbled toward him, gripping the sleeves of the robe of the fire rat in her fists. "We were never to meet again…" _We shouldn't have, but the Sacred Jewel will bring us together again and again as many times as it has to._ Mustering up the strength, she sent a shock of purifying energy through his body, throwing him backwards.

The older woman, claiming to be her sister, tried to interfere. _No._ It was now or never, and she was determined to take Inuyasha to hell with her. It was his turn to suffer, too. She grabbed the bow away from the woman, but missed with her first arrow; she'd forgotten how quick he was on his feet. She turned to her sister again, anger blinding her to anything but her vengeance. After wrenching the quiver away from Kaede and shoving her out of the way, she turned back to Inuyasha, nocking an arrow. "You told me you wanted to become human… Become human and live with me!"

"I truly loved you," he implored, but she would have none of it. It didn't matter, not the way things ended up. She had no time for lies.

"Silence! I was a fool for wishing, even for a second, to live with you!" _And a fool for wishing to see you ever again._ "I died hating you. My spirit cannot shed that hatred." _The hatred of him, or the Jewel? Was there a difference?_ "So long as you live, I cannot be saved." _I cannot be free._

Her sister implored that this imposter body be destroyed, but Kikyou knew what she did not: _this body is more truly me than I've been allowed in a very long time. Returning my soul to the child will not help me._ "It's no use! So long as this hatred is not erased… This soul will not return to her body! All it takes is your death, Inuyasha!" She released her arrow, watching as it flew true toward his chest. He tried to deflect it with a sword, but it reached its mark: the same spot she had pierced him years ago. _Now we match._ A slight twinge of guilt at the sound of his scream flickered in her stomach and she tried to squash it, but it was enough to awaken the girl.

Her soul began to fly away from her, back to the body of the child. "Oh… No!" _It's too soon! Not yet!_ Kagome pulled her soul back into her body, and Kikyou frantically held on to the piece of herself she'd cultivated fifteen years ago, the part that could keep this body moving.

As her soul vacated her new body, the power of her arrow decreased, and it fell uselessly alongside Inuyasha.

 _She took it back to save his life,_ Kikyou thought. _I cannot stay. She and I won't coexist anymore, and she'll take this part back too and overthrow it if I linger._ With the strength she had left, she ambled away from the scene, making her way around the bend of the mountain. She heard Inuyasha call after her, but she would not and could not turn around. Focused only on getting away, she didn't pay attention to where her foot fell and the ground gave way under her, and a scream fell from her lips as she slid down the side, right for the edge of the cliff –

But a hand caught hold of her wrist and she looked up into Inuyasha's face.

"Kikyou… You can't go on like this. You must return to Kagome."

She grit her teeth. _If you love me, then let go of me._ "Are you telling me to die?" He gasped, and she continued: "If I return to that girl, I will no longer be myself. Inuyasha… Is that what you want?"

As far as she could see it, she had two choices: let herself fall, or take him over the cliff with her. _I'm not going back._ Narrowing her eyes in spite, she said, "I'll never die." She focused all of her strength into purifying his wrist, and found that without the rest of her soul she found pleasure in his cries of pain. "Didn't I tell you? When I die, you're coming with me!"

They started to fall, but at the last second he grabbed a ledge on the cliff. With the impact, she lost her grip on his wrist and began to slip through his fingers. He receded into the horizon as she fell, reaching toward him as he called her name.

Through her descent, she came to terms with dying this way, free to be herself. For the first time in centuries, the voice of the Shikon Jewel did not answer her every thought. But, upon impact, she didn't die. She lay awake, cracked and wounded, but ultimately alive and safe beneath the fog.

No one knew she was alive, and the thought made her smile. While she needed him to die, to pay for the hell she had been through, she had no obligation to be _Kikyou the Maiden Priestess_ anymore. She could go forth as she pleased. A laugh escaped her throat, and she rolled up on her side, feeling very nearly content. _I won't be held down by who I used to be._


End file.
